Happy Father's Day!

The girls went to their dad's early today to spend Father's day with their dad. Even though I think he's a selfish, lying piece of...stuff...he's still their dad. I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

My kids know that I don't like their dad...we've had that talk. There's no point in lying and they're old enough to get it. I don't elaborate on why I don't like him...but I try to help them understand the situation. They used to ask why we don't get back together...but as they get older, they start to get it. When I left XH, my oldest was almost three and my youngest was just a baby. They don't even remember us actually being together. So they (thankfully!) they don't remember the really bad fights that we used to have. But they do see that we don't get along now.

I use those moments they see us bickering now to talk to them about it. I explain to them that their dad is not MY family...he is their family. And that they should love and respect their family and have a good relationship with their dad. They should never, ever feel guilty for loving their dad and I refuse to make them feel like they have to choose between us. Putting him down or trying to manipulate my children does NOT make their relationship with me stronger and it just makes me look like a bad person.

And they will grow up to understand that on their own. I don't want my children to grow up thinking that I interfered in any way of them being able to make their own decisions about what kind of people their parents are...because if I try to influence them, that just leads to resentment. I can't allow my own selfishness to affect what kind of mother I am. I don't do it because I want to...I do it because it's the right thing to do for my children. And THAT is all that matters...doing what is right by my daughters.

I learned all of this from the way my own single mother raised me and my sister. There was no manipulation...just support. When I was little, my dad was a much different person. I didn't have a very good relationship with him. However, as I have gotten older, that has changed...especially once I had my own children. He has been there for me a lot and he has a good relationship with my kids.

And in honor of Father's Day...here are a few pictures with the "dads" in my life (I say "dads" because the rest are my grandpas). ;)

My dad when I was just a baby:

 

My dad's dad (RIP - 1997) when I was a baby: 

 

My mom's dad when I was about 3 years old: 

 

My dad's step-dad (I was almost 6 and my sister had just turned 1): 

 

And a more recent picture...this is one of my favorite pictures of me with my dad: 

 

I have to vent!

There was one crappy part about my weekend. And--of course--it was an argument with the ex-husband. I don't gossip about the guy because I really don't care at all about his personal life and I stay out of his business just like he SHOULD stay out of mine. But...I will vent about the things he does to ME which affects the lives our our children.

On that note...

Both girls are in softball again this year and he is the coach. Now...I personally don't like softball (it's hot and long and dirty and I'm just not a sporty person) but the girls enjoy it so I support them. I don't go to practices...but my dad goes and tells me how everything went (and of course the girls always let me know, too). I go to their games when I can. Sometimes the heat is too much for me (it aggravates my MS symptoms) and ever since my colon surgery...sometimes I can't go to the away games if I'm having stomach problems because bathrooms aren't always readily available (or they're just nasty! ugh!). But my dad tries to make sure to go to every game because I want the girls to know they're supported by our family in everything they do...my grandparents and sister also come when they can. And his family is there, too, of course.

ANYWAY...I guess there was a scrimmage and pictures on Saturday morning. I don't know if it was a spur of the moment thing or what. It wasn't on the practice schedule, wasn't on the game schedule...nothing. We're on our way out of town and I get a text message saying "So Ashley (he needs to add ASHLYN to his phone's dictionary) is not coming to our pictures or scrimmage today at 9:00 since I just seen (SAW!) them leaving town." I replied that maybe he needs to TELL me about these things...because it's not like he sent me a text ahead of time or anything. We had two free passes to Botanica from my grandparents and we've had this planned for weeks. The girls have ball during the week all the time, so we've been making our plans on the weekends.

So then he replies "Maybe you should get involved in your kids activities" then tries to lie and tell me that my dad knew (Dad didn't have a clue) and then says "And they are not even with you immagine that."

Seriously?! I was sitting in the front seat! Just because we were in my mom's car, that doesn't mean I wasn't with them. And I AM involved in my children's lives. Kinda like the fact that I WAS WITH THEM AT BOTANICA. I take them to do things...our summers are spent going to the zoo, children's museum, botanical gardens, the art museum, etc. And we do arts and crafts at home, play board games, cook or bake, watch movies together, etc. I am also involved with them at school...I go to their parent teacher conferences, I have lunch with them at school, help with their school parties and go on field trips, and I help with their school projects and homework. I keep on top of how they're doing in school and help them in areas they are struggling. I communicate with their teachers and keep track online of how the girls' grades are and everything. *I* was the one who noticed Ashlyn was having problems reading and talked to her teacher about it and took her to the eye doctor to get glasses (which was the root of her problem). He doesn't do those things but *I* do. He can think whatever he wants about the kind of parent I am. I don't care what HE thinks. I care what my children think. ALL I care about is that my children are happy and that they know I love them.

I help, teach, support, and PARENT my children. I KNOW my children. You ask me something about who they are, what they like, how they are doing...I know the answer without even having to think about it. My children are an extension of me. I love those two girls something fierce. And I do everything I can to make sure they know I love and support them no matter what. So I may not go to their sports practices and I may not be able to make it to all of their games. But I make sure that someone is there to support them and I make sure they know that I care about what they are involved in.

I also make sure that my kids can do anything that they want to do. If there is an extra-curricular activity they want to try...I will do my best to make sure that happens. I want my children to experience everything they can and if they want to try something new I'm all about it! I am not a person with a lot of money...but I have wonderful family and friends who help me out when they can and I find ways to make it work. I don't want them to grow up feeling like they missed out on anything.

So anyway, XH texted me again saying "Don't worry we just wont sign her up next year. Im done trying to deal with how important your stay at home life is over your kids. We have plenty of money. Im not paying for band when I pay for every thing else from basketball to softball. 85 a kid and like i said since their mom has such a busy life we just wont sign them up for any more."

OMGWTFBBQ. That's pretty much all I could think. It's just MESSED UP.

Yes...I have "such a busy life" taking my children out to do fun things and other times I stay home WITH my kids. SO...WTF?

And he's not punishing ME by not signing the girls up for softball next year because *I* don't even like softball. But the GIRLS like it and if THEY want to do it then they are the only ones he is hurting. If my children want to participate in something...they should be able to have the chance. He seems too selfish (and too concerned with fighting against me) to understand that.

My oldest came home crying one afternoon because he claimed that he didn't have the money to allow her to play band and TOLD HER it was because he has to give me all his money. Really? Dude pays $150/month for 2 kids. And more importantly...WHY WOULD YOU TELL YOUR KID THAT?! Way to be a manipulative jerk. Not to mention the fact that he tells our daughter that he doesn't have the money yet now he's trying to tell me they have "plenty of money." It's always whatever lie is convenient at the time.

So I told her that I would make sure she is able to participate in band. All that had to be paid for was the instrument. I spent the evening looking online and found several options between craigslist and Amazon.com...was able to find a trombone for $75. So now my child will be able to participate in something new that she wants to do. Because THAT is important to me.

He also loves to make it seem like HE does EVERYTHING. HE pays for EVERYTHING. Um, no. He doesn't pay for their enrollment fees at school. He doesn't pay for their school lunches. This year, I bought their school supplies and their field day shirts. He doesn't take them to the doctor and he certainly doesn't pay for it. He carries their insurance through his job, but he REFUSES to give me an insurance card for the girls. Ashlyn needed to go to the eye doctor so I called the company and they were able to mail me a copy of the cards. Actually...now that I'm thinking about it...apparently he doesn't pay for much of anything at all!

I took both girls to the eye doctor and paid the copay for each of their appointments AND paid the entire non-covered portion of their glasses. I didn't even ask him to pay any of it because I knew it would just be a fight and it wasn't worth it to me. They needed to go and Ashlyn needed glasses and I took care of it. Then he even had the nerve to start a fight with me because HE mistakenly thought the insurance company sent him a bill and told me that *I* was going to have to pay the $465. 1) According to our paperwork, we share the expenses in proportion to our income and since I have NO income that means HE should pay it all but I still paid what was due that day myself. And 2) IT WASN'T A BILL. Insurance companies don't send you a bill. They may decide not to pay out for it and the DOCTOR sends you a bill...but the insurance company doesn't bill you for services.

He seriously argued with me about it forever and said "I pay for medical monthly not my fault you cant follow guidelines of the insurance." Well it IS his fault that I don't have the information because he REFUSES to give it to me. But I did what I was supposed to do...I presented the copy of the card at the appointment, made sure that they accepted that type of insurance, and I even paid the non-covered portion. What he got in the mail was a statement from the insurance company saying they needed more information from him before they could pay it off. So all he had to do was call the insurance company to give them whatever information they needed and then no big deal. But when I tried to explain it to him, all he wanted to do was argue. Oh and try to say "Im calling them and stating they are not to use my insurance unless notifying me first." Ah. There it is. Precisely the reason why he refused to give me the cards in the first place. Because he honestly thinks that he has a right to stop me from taking my children to the doctor. I'm sorry, but I'm their MOTHER and if they need to go then I'm damn well gonna do it. He didn't care at all that Ashlyn was having problems and NEEDED the glasses....he just wanted to control the situation and be "against" me. Because that's all that seems to matter to him.

ANYWAY...I went off on a bit of a tangent. Back to extra-curricular activities.

This year the girls didn't even play basketball because he didn't get them signed up in time. When they have played in the past, basketball is $35/kid. He said he paid $85 each for the girls to play softball. I just signed them both up for cheerleading and the total cost of that is $185 for Aubry and $175 for Ashlyn (minus a $25 discount for signing up multiple children). So he seriously wants to complain about the $170 he paid for one sport this year versus the $335 due for cheerleading PLUS $135 I paid for the girls eye appointments PLUS the money spent for Aubry's big school project this year...and everything else I've paid for. He currently has a good-paying job AND a live-in girlfriend with a job. So they are a 2 income household versus the fact that I get $150/month in cash each month for child support...but HE is the one complaining about money and telling my kids that he won't let them sign up for things they wanna do? Give me an effing break!

I'm just really tired of the selfishness and the crap. I don't CARE about him or what he thinks and I'm not gonna put up with his nonsense. He doesn't seem to get that his empty threats don't scare me. He can't bully me into submission because I'm obviously smarter than he is and I know better (the insurance bill is just ONE example). Not to mention the fact that when all is said and done...one day the girls are going to realize that while he was busy fighting me over stupid crap *I* was the one who made sure they were able to participate in everything they wanted to do...even when he said he couldn't or wouldn't make it happen for them. Maybe he should wake up and figure out that it's not about HIM anymore...grow up and realize you're a parent, dude.

Ahhh....feels better to vent. :P

I hate you!

I finally reached that point in motherhood. I was hoping that it would wait a few years...maybe when she was a teenager instead of just nine years old. :P But the other day those words came out of my daughter's mouth: "I hate you!"

It doesn't bother me. I know she doesn't hate me. I said the same thing to my own mom when I didn't get my way or I had to do something I didn't like. Just like my daughter did. Of course I was a teenager when I did it. :P I had a rocky relationship with my mom during my teenage years but we have an amazing relationship now. So I know this phase means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

So why did Aubry say it? Because I told her that she couldn't get another bottle of water until she cleaned up all the trash out of her room...which was mostly empty water bottles. She stomped her feet and cried "I hate you!" as she went upstairs. Then she pouted for a few minutes, brought the trash down to the trashcan, and stormed off with her new bottle of water.

And then, of course, there was the fighting about cleaning the rest of her room. I told the girls last week that if their rooms were not clean by the time they went to their dad's house, I was going to get a box and anything that wasn't put away was going in the box and they wouldn't get it back until they earned it...by showing that they can clean up after themselves. Ashlyn cried at the thought of all her stuff being boxed up...which led her to go upstairs and clean her room. Aubry on the other hand...she went and cried on her bed. I reminded her that I was going to box everything up and she yelled "fine take away all my stuff!" That's how she reacts to any negative consequences. "Fine!" and then she still doesn't do what she's supposed to. She was also told that she doesn't get to go anywhere until her room was cleaned and that included going to my grandparents' house (which is something the girls REALLY enjoy). She still yelled "fine!" of course.

So that was on Friday. My dad came over to see the girls before they went to their dad's house for the weekend. He made a deal with Aubry that if she cleaned her room when she got back, he would take her out to fly her new helicopter that she got for Christmas. So I told her I would wait until Tuesday, but if she didn't get her room clean by then...no helicopter and her stuff would be in a box. She said okay.

Sunday I wasn't feeling well and we all went to bed early. So she didn't get it clean on Sunday night but she didn't throw a fit, either. And she did take out the trash (which is specifically her chore) so that was good.

Then came Monday. She had talked to her great-grandpa at school (he works for the schools...along with both my mom and my dad) about coming over. When I picked the girls up after school, she said papa was going to call after work to ask if they could come over and play for awhile. I reminded her that she couldn't go anywhere until her room was clean. I was pleasantly surprised when there was no whining and she said "I know. I'm going to clean my room now and then we can go." And she went upstairs and cleaned her room. Then she called papa to tell him that she was finished. SO much easier than fighting with her over it.

I'm a fairly strict parent. I take parenting very seriously. I believe it is my job to raise these kids to be good people and I want them to be self-sufficient adults. I want to instill good values and break them of bad habits. I won't clean the girls' rooms for them. They need to know that they have to clean up after themselves because no one is going to do it for them when they grow up. I won't buy them new things if they can't take care of what they already have. I won't let them get their way just because they whine, throw a fit, or tell me that they hate me. Because trust me...I know adults who still behave that way and it's not pretty.

I was raised very well by a good and honest woman. I have much respect for my mother (even if I didn't when I was a teenager). I believe that the way I was raised has been an incredible influence when it comes to raising my own kids. And I want my own children to feel that way, too. Even if they don't always grasp the reasons why I do things NOW...I am confident that when they have their own children, they'll understand just as I did when I became a mother. The way that I was raised, the mistakes that I've made, the things I've experienced...it leads to the "wisdom" I need when raising my kids. I want my girls to realize that for themselves, too.

It's really hard when it comes to shared custody. My children have two separate homes with two separate sets of rules and ways of life. There are things they can get away with on their dad's side of the family that I won't allow them to get away with here. So going back and forth does make it a little more challenging. But...that's life.

And I've seen a lot of people handle shared parenting much differently. I've known many parents who try to be the "good parent" just because they want their children to like them better than their ex-spouse. They hope that their kids will "choose" them over the other parent. I don't like it...and I won't do it. Just like parents who try to be their kids' friend instead of doing their job as a parent. I think it doesn't serve their children well. Kids are essentially a blank slate. We as parents are the ones who have to teach them about life and pave the way for what kind of adults they are going to be. I think that's important.

So if my young children think I'm "mean" because I make them clean their rooms or I won't let them eat snacks all day...I can accept that. Because I'm secure in my reasons...I know that I'm making the right decision for them. Even if they don't understand that now...I believe that one day they'll get it.