I hate you!

I finally reached that point in motherhood. I was hoping that it would wait a few years...maybe when she was a teenager instead of just nine years old. :P But the other day those words came out of my daughter's mouth: "I hate you!"

It doesn't bother me. I know she doesn't hate me. I said the same thing to my own mom when I didn't get my way or I had to do something I didn't like. Just like my daughter did. Of course I was a teenager when I did it. :P I had a rocky relationship with my mom during my teenage years but we have an amazing relationship now. So I know this phase means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

So why did Aubry say it? Because I told her that she couldn't get another bottle of water until she cleaned up all the trash out of her room...which was mostly empty water bottles. She stomped her feet and cried "I hate you!" as she went upstairs. Then she pouted for a few minutes, brought the trash down to the trashcan, and stormed off with her new bottle of water.

And then, of course, there was the fighting about cleaning the rest of her room. I told the girls last week that if their rooms were not clean by the time they went to their dad's house, I was going to get a box and anything that wasn't put away was going in the box and they wouldn't get it back until they earned it...by showing that they can clean up after themselves. Ashlyn cried at the thought of all her stuff being boxed up...which led her to go upstairs and clean her room. Aubry on the other hand...she went and cried on her bed. I reminded her that I was going to box everything up and she yelled "fine take away all my stuff!" That's how she reacts to any negative consequences. "Fine!" and then she still doesn't do what she's supposed to. She was also told that she doesn't get to go anywhere until her room was cleaned and that included going to my grandparents' house (which is something the girls REALLY enjoy). She still yelled "fine!" of course.

So that was on Friday. My dad came over to see the girls before they went to their dad's house for the weekend. He made a deal with Aubry that if she cleaned her room when she got back, he would take her out to fly her new helicopter that she got for Christmas. So I told her I would wait until Tuesday, but if she didn't get her room clean by then...no helicopter and her stuff would be in a box. She said okay.

Sunday I wasn't feeling well and we all went to bed early. So she didn't get it clean on Sunday night but she didn't throw a fit, either. And she did take out the trash (which is specifically her chore) so that was good.

Then came Monday. She had talked to her great-grandpa at school (he works for the schools...along with both my mom and my dad) about coming over. When I picked the girls up after school, she said papa was going to call after work to ask if they could come over and play for awhile. I reminded her that she couldn't go anywhere until her room was clean. I was pleasantly surprised when there was no whining and she said "I know. I'm going to clean my room now and then we can go." And she went upstairs and cleaned her room. Then she called papa to tell him that she was finished. SO much easier than fighting with her over it.

I'm a fairly strict parent. I take parenting very seriously. I believe it is my job to raise these kids to be good people and I want them to be self-sufficient adults. I want to instill good values and break them of bad habits. I won't clean the girls' rooms for them. They need to know that they have to clean up after themselves because no one is going to do it for them when they grow up. I won't buy them new things if they can't take care of what they already have. I won't let them get their way just because they whine, throw a fit, or tell me that they hate me. Because trust me...I know adults who still behave that way and it's not pretty.

I was raised very well by a good and honest woman. I have much respect for my mother (even if I didn't when I was a teenager). I believe that the way I was raised has been an incredible influence when it comes to raising my own kids. And I want my own children to feel that way, too. Even if they don't always grasp the reasons why I do things NOW...I am confident that when they have their own children, they'll understand just as I did when I became a mother. The way that I was raised, the mistakes that I've made, the things I've experienced...it leads to the "wisdom" I need when raising my kids. I want my girls to realize that for themselves, too.

It's really hard when it comes to shared custody. My children have two separate homes with two separate sets of rules and ways of life. There are things they can get away with on their dad's side of the family that I won't allow them to get away with here. So going back and forth does make it a little more challenging. But...that's life.

And I've seen a lot of people handle shared parenting much differently. I've known many parents who try to be the "good parent" just because they want their children to like them better than their ex-spouse. They hope that their kids will "choose" them over the other parent. I don't like it...and I won't do it. Just like parents who try to be their kids' friend instead of doing their job as a parent. I think it doesn't serve their children well. Kids are essentially a blank slate. We as parents are the ones who have to teach them about life and pave the way for what kind of adults they are going to be. I think that's important.

So if my young children think I'm "mean" because I make them clean their rooms or I won't let them eat snacks all day...I can accept that. Because I'm secure in my reasons...I know that I'm making the right decision for them. Even if they don't understand that now...I believe that one day they'll get it.